Are we there yet?

I always like this part of writing.  No I don't.  Huh??    LOL, you should hear what's going on in my head when I sit down to write something out. Before I ever hit the edit box, I've got a hundred different sentences floating around in there waiting to get out, and eventually most of them will.  But starting that first paragraph is always the hardest.  It's the one that is supposed to keep your attention once you've clicked the topic to open the blog or thread.  So I'm always thinking....where do I start? What do I say that gets the initial point across of the topic?  How do I hold your attention long enough to get through the novella you know I've written?  I'm not so good at starting a conversation, I'm a much better contributor after the topic has been opened.  That's not going to happen in my entries.  So it's up to me to figure out how I'm going to get you to read past the first paragraph.

So did you make it this far?  Good.  I've been sitting here this morning thinking about relationships and all the years that I've lived in and out of them.  Every relationship I've had begins with meeting (kinda hard to have one with someone you've never met, huh?).  Sometimes you don't directly meet someone, you just know who they are because you go to school with them or work with them, or you end up in the same place they are frequently.  You are never formally introduced. There is no handshake and saying Hi, I'm Pari.  You just seem to eventually fall into conversation with them.  Usually related to whatever the environment is that you are both in.  In my case, I often just start talking to someone because I've seen them for weeks or months and suddenly have a reason to speak to them.  Sometimes this leads to an interest beyond the conversation, and sometimes it doesn't.  More often than not, for me, it doesn't.  I'm way too picky about who interests me. At least beyond being a friend.

Once I've decided that I'm interested in someone more than as a friend, the next step is trying to decide if I want to let them know.  I've gotten very good at keeping people at arms length.  A couple of months ago I ran into an old flame from high school.  He was very excited to see me after all these years and took my phone number.  That night he called me and we had a long conversation about a lot of things.  During the conversation he reminded me of how much he liked me back then, and how I wouldn't let him close to me.  How hard he worked to try to make me his girlfriend, and I just didn't let it happen.  I was 16 years old and 32 years later, I find that I'm not any different about how I begin a relationship these days as I was back then.  But also, as I spent that hour or so talking to him, I began to remember why I didn't let him close to me.  He was popular, any girl in the school would have been more than happy to be his chosen girl.  Any girl except for me.  The conclusion I came to is that my heart wasn't in it.  I can't pretend to like someone just because they are popular, or good looking. I don't love with my head, but with my heart.  Of course we all know that the physical heart has little to do with it, and what we really mean is the chemical attraction that people have with one another. 

But I have to admit, sometimes my head gets in the way. My head will overrule my heart on occasion and I miss out on a potential relationship, or I cut one short. This has not always been a bad thing.  In the instance of the first relationship I had as an adult, with the father of my first two children.  I really loved this man.  I spent a lot of time crying over the way he made me feel.  And one day, I'd just had enough of the crying.  My head said things will never change and told my heart to get over it.  30 years later, I don't think I am.  But I moved on. And it was a good thing.  In the years since he has changed, and some of his life that I would have been a part of is a life that I would never have chosen to live.  Thank God for letting my head rule.  Then there is the instance of my first husband.  I'm a person who refuses to admit failure.  I can make this work no matter what the circumstances are.  And trust me when I say this was a relationship that was toxic to not only my ex-husband and I, but to my children.  Why would I be so stupid as to refuse to admit this was a bad choice, and keep my kids in a situation that was never going to be productive for them?  But I thought I could fix it, until the day he gave me an out.  My head said.....your heart isn't in this anyway....accept the deal. So I did.  And when he wanted to change his mind, I didn't let mine change.  Those were relatively short relationships.  Just a few years between them.   

I was smarter the next time around.  I didn't want someone that cheated every chance he got, and I didn't want someone that was going to break my nose or choke me until I was unconscious.  So I went back to holding everyone at arms length.  When I did meet someone, I didn't let him sweep me off my feet.  I held on to what my head was telling me.  Wait, watch, learn.  When he asked me to marry him, I told him no.  I wasn't ready.  I hadn't even been able to say the words "I love you" yet.  I didn't trust him with my heart or my future life. I even tried to get him to leave me because it was obvious his family didn't care for me. He wouldn't have any part of that.  So he waited, patiently. I finally gave in to my heart. And spent the next 20 years mostly happy with him.  I made a lot of mistakes during that 20 years, and we got past them.  I trusted him completely and was shocked when the day came that he filed for divorce.  My world was shattered.  My trust gone. Not just with him, but with everyone.  I no longer wanted to be with anyone.  I would be happy on my own.  Which is not to say that I've not met anyone in these last 3 1/2 years.  I have. I had a boyfriend for a few months, and found that once again, I shouldn't listen to my heart.  I should have let my head get in the way.  I found that I couldn't have that relationship of friends with benefits either.  That only stirred something up that was hopeless in the end.

I resigned myself to just living the rest of my life alone.  I would become my mother.  She's been doing it for over 20 years now.  I know I can do anything my mom can do.  I've got her stubborn streak, and I've got her bitch embedded in my soul.  But at the same time, I didn't want to be my mother so I spent two years analyzing myself. I've gone over the past and taken a good honest look at who I've been.  I've paid attention to what my 2nd ex-husband told me, all the reasons why he decided to end the marriage.  A lot of them I still don't see, and I believe they were just excuses to make himself feel better.  But there were others that I did see.  I can't change all of these things, but I am aware of them.  And those things that I could change....I've done my best with.

That brings me to now.  Meeting someone that immediately struck me on the heart level and I had to listen to my head.  There really was no choice there.  That's how it had to be.  Someone that would pop into my thoughts out of the blue and I spent so much time pushing those thoughts back out.  And then when the situation changed, and I could stop listening to my head, I didn't.  I had gotten used to being alone, and I didn't want to let anyone in there.  I didn't want to trust someone again, only to be let down.  And I felt that I had nothing to contribute to a relationship.  I'm a no one. I have nothing, I do nothing.  I don't live, I simply exist.  Who would really want to spend time with someone like that? So I stressed a friendship.  Don't ask for anything more.  But wouldn't you know, my heart wasn't in that.  I wanted more than just a friend.  And I asked for more.  But I find I still have issues to work out.   One being my own expectations.  I can't explain them.  I just expect much more than I'm getting.  And the issue would be that I don't ask for them to be met.  I just take what I can get.  And then when I don't get it, I get upset.  I don't handle it well when I'm upset.  I say things in a way I don't mean.  Words fall out of my mouth before I get a chance to think about what I was going to say.  And sometimes, those words hurt.  This is my issue.  What I have to work on.  Keeping my mouth shut until I know which words I need to say that get my feelings across without causing anger or hurt. And I know the words are in there.  When I take the time to write them out, they work.  Saying them....not so much. 

So here we are in that stage of the relationship where we find out what trips one another's triggers.  And my triggers are getting tripped all over the place.  Which is definitely my problem (and has a lot to do with my expectations).  But it would certainly help if there was an understanding that just because I suddenly lash out, that doesn't mean that I am wanting to be in an argument or a fight.  I'm momentarily ticked.   Let me get mad, let me get it out, and then let me get over it.  In most cases it takes less than 5 minutes.  It doesn't have to turn into a 2 day thing. If I spout off, and I get the same back.....my response isn't likely to be, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or piss you off, I'm just irritated."  I'm going to say something else that I truly regret 5 seconds after I say it.  So the best bet is if I suddenly seem angry.  Don't react with anger.  Ask me what's on my mind.  I will shut up for a few minutes and try to figure out just what I'm irritated with, and then maybe we can talk about it.  I don't want to fight.   I have a lot of things that I need to get past, and I don't want to put them on this new relationship.  I want to leave them in the past. I want to trust that I'm not making a mistake once again.  And I want to be able to talk about anything that bothers me.   It took a lot to let him in. And I'm still having a hard time allowing myself to care again. But I do...more than anyone realizes. 

I titled this "Are we there yet".   No, we aren't there yet.  There is still so much to learn. There are going to be disagreements. There are going to be misunderstandings.  As well, there are going to be some pretty good things to come. The honeymoon is over.  It's time to be real, the good, the bad and the ugly.  All we have to do is want to succeed.  I know I do.