Another Appointment, Where's my Day Planner?

Since my last post I have had three appointments, each one as humorous as the last. It is not that I don’t understand the importance of these appointments but this is my way of dealing with it. There is an amazing amount in funny in the world if you’re open to seeing it.

Appointment number one: The Surgeon

After what seemed like days I am escorted to a room with floor to ceiling windows. I am here to have my breast examined. Hello, windows into the parking lot with open blinds?!?!?  This isn’t spring break and I’m not looking to flash people. Well maybe if there’s free drinks involved.  I am handed a “Gown” and told to strip from the waist up and leave the opening in the front. She looks at me looks at the window and says to me “Would you like me to close the blinds?” Without thinking I say “No but if you could install a pole I could make a few extra bucks.”  She stares at me blankly.   “Yes please close the blinds”.   Now I am left holding my “gown” thinking it more or less resembles a Kleenex.  I strip. Opening in the front. You have got to be kidding me….I can’t close it enough to even cover my boobs.  Which tit was I suppose to put in this thing? Don’t these come in different sizes? Small, medium and large? I need a size Hindenburg Blimp please.  So I set on the edge of the table trying to hold this Kleenex over my boobs. In walks a size two flat chested booby surgeon. And she’s Perky. And I am not.  Lord help me not break her in half. She wants to shake hands… so I have to let go of the only size small gown they have and my goodies boob out to say hello. At least her hands a warm.  Now I am not a small woman and I carry a great deal of my weight in the “the girls”.  I lay back so she can do her examination.  As God as my witness this women looks dead at me and says “your breast are huge”.  She see’s women all day and exactly what size due you have to be to impress this woman?  Apparently my size.  She asks me to point out where my mass is so she can start her examination there…It’s in the lower foot hills of the Grand Tetons.  And her hike around the mountain begins. And then her facial expression changes. Shit.  She has found more lumps.  We review the films as I sit on the table with all my glory hanging out. She decides to hold off on surgery because she sees them in the films and wants clearer pictures before she opens me up.  I knew I should’ve started drinking earlier in the day.

Appointment number two: Clarions Women’s center for a MRI.

Apparently our local health care network doesn’t have the necessary equipment to accommodate my massive mammories.  Clarion north is a magnificent facility. Coffee shop and all! I register and have a seat.  I’m called back to a private room to change. Cool….they has a variety of sizes. Evan big girl! And pants….sweet my ass won’t be hanging out!  Awesome!  I am met by a lady my age. Finally someone that might get my humor.  I am taken into a room that actual has a little rope that has to be removed to let me in like I’m a VIP. We are greeted by a sweet guy that I am informed will be assisting us in the procedure. I guess the boob doctor called ahead and told them it would take a team to wrangle all the girls into the photo. I am given several little sticker like things and told to put them on the lumps that I can feel. I have two left. I am told to put them on my nipples. Pasties! Here is where you insert a little dance that causes both technicians to roar.  Now I am asked to lie on the table on my stomach. Here’s the funny part. There’s this little ramp that goes under my chest with two holes in it, wanna guess what goes through those holes?  The Girls. Now I’m looking around the room for a milking machine. I suddenly understand how the cows at the dairy feel.  All I can do is giggle.  An hour later I am dressed and heading home for a quick nap and my next appointment.

Appointment number three:  Family Physician

I am fortunate to have a great doctor that is very close to me in age.  Actually he is younger and I like to refer to him as Doggie Houser.  Basically I am just seeing him due to a med check and a general how are you holding up thing.  Plus I’ve been really exhausted lately and just want to bring it to his attention. His office has gone paperless and everything has gone to computers and he has to make all his notes on his laptop.  He sits down starts typing and suddenly yells “Fuck I hate computers” I’m rolling. Apparently he hit a key that erased everything.  Understand I am being treated for Fibromyalgia on top of the breast cancer.  Which I guess complicates some of my treatment.  We go over what I’ve found out from the past two appointments. I tell him about finding other lumps. He wants to examine me again. I tell him he isn’t touching them until I get a dinner. He laughs tells me to lie down and he owes me a beer. I remind him that at this point someone owes me several.  I’ve been felt up more in the last month then I have been on my last year worth of dates.  Note to self: Date more.  He feels, I giggle he tells me to stop; I guess I’m having too much fun with this.  He feels other lumps and is glad they were discovered early. Now for the sit down portion. He looks at me and says “so how is your crazy level the last month”.  I tell him normal by my definition which leaves some room for interpretation.   Over all I am well.  And I am sent on my way. 

Next step is to find time in my real life to schedule surgery.