Clearing the Air
In the last six months my perception of life and the people around me has been forever altered. Those that I thought would be there to support I have drastically let me down. And others that I never expected to be there have stepped up. I have several things that have come up in general conversation on here over this time that I want to set straight today. All that know me know that I have never hid my life or feeling s on this forum. I have always spoke my mind and will continue too. However it appears that there are some rumors floating around that need to be set straight.
For starters I am not now nor was I engaged to C91. Yes, we have had an on again off again relationship for several years. And yes he did ask me to marry him last fall prior to me getting my diagnosis. I respectfully declined. Many of you will not understand this. Yes I have always had very strong feelings for him. However I had just signed a lease on a new apartment here and I was trying to get things settled in my life before jumping back into a marriage. Many of you know I have been married and divorced twice. I freely admit I am not good at relationships. After my diagnosis I hid from most people in my life to protect them from my anger and what I seen as disappointment. He was one of the individuals that seemed to get shut out quickest. I have asked myself many times why I have done this. He would have done his best to be there if I would have let him. Honestly knowing the man he is, I did not want to burden him with me and my son. I will always remain his friend and be there if he should need me. However I do not ever see myself as “good enough” to be his wife. Evan now that I am pretty much in the clear. I feel I am damaged goods. Every day I wake up and wonder is this is the day I find the lump that will kill me. Everyone says how great I have done through this and how strong I seem. Please remember when you are talking to anyone that has had to face their immortality head on that what you see most likely isn’t the whole story of the turmoil they are struggling with.
Yes I am scheduled to be at the Relay for Life in Anderson. Saturday I went to the one they did here in Boone County. I was very over whelmed by being there. I do not know now if I will make the one in Anderson. I will however still be in town if anyone would like to get together. I have not dealt with all the emotions that I guess I need to. There aren’t support groups here and I most likely wouldn’t go if there was. To me I would appear weaker for needing support. And yes I am most likely depressed. And yes I am being medicated for that.
This morning I took my last dosage of Chemotherapy. I am being told to give myself six months before I start getting too optimistic. I was diagnosed December 29th, 2008. Statistically it was caught early and I will do well with it. Mentally, every day I will deal with this for the rest of my life. There have been 2 surgeries since January. Not lumpectomies done in the office. But actually surgeries done at the hospital that requires a whole surgical team. Physically I will heal. However what I see in the mirror is forever changed. I am reminded every time I step out of the shower what I am going through.
Now for the rumors about my ex husband, Little Man’s father. We are divorced and have been since April of 2008. Feel free to check with the Boone County Clerk’s office if you see it necessary. I believe those sort of things are public record. Yes he is a strong presence in my life. We share a son together. Yes he will always be jealous of the men in my life. And yes he will always try to cause problems. That’s what ex’s do. He has been there since my diagnosis. He has held what hair is left while I threw up. And has made several cans of soup in six months. I will forever be thankful for that. It is much easier for someone to see me in that shape that has also seen me at my worst while giving birth to their child. So If I wouldn’t let you around on the bad days because he was already there don’t be bitter because he was there. Understand it most likely wasn’t about you and more likely was my comfort level I was concerned with. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make other people comfortable and happy. I think I was entitled to make it about what was going to make me comfortable. If this has hurt you, get over it.
In conclusion should anyone have other things they would like me to address please ask me and not my friends or family? I am an adult that has always taken full responsibility for my own life and decisions. I will gladly answer to whoever feels it is their job to judge me. But please remember people that live in glass houses, shouldn’t throw stones. No one of us is without fault. I most certainly don’t pretend to be.
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *
*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.*
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*
* Every path has a few puddles.*
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*
Either he thinks he's freakin' God or he thinks I am. Either way, I'm about to get a cheap, perverse thrill out of crushing his entire belief system.
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thank you for sharing your feelings. You brought tears to my eyes. I just can not imagine what you or any other cancer victim goes through on a daily basis. It has to be hell. The not knowing from day to day what direction your life is going to take has to take it's toll on you. When something is not in our hands, it is scary, but hopefully with God's help and great doctors, you can once again begin to have breathing room and get back to an everyday so called "Normal" life.
I admit, I have asked your mom and J4F how you were doing. They are my closest buddies to keeping up with you. Thanks for setting us straight about C91 and your relationship, although I think that you are selling yourself short when you say you are not "good enough" for him and that you are "damaged goods" Look at me, I have been thru a very mentally and verbally abusive marriage and I finally found a good guy. I believe myself to be fat and ugly and nobody would ever want me. I felt like since I could not have any more children, nobody would want me. But, I did find a good guy who accepted me for who I am and not what he wants me to be. I hope someday, you can be as lucky. Hang in there girl, you are on your way. Many of us here at AFP are here for your support if you just need a shoulder to cry on or a body to yell at. Love ya girlfriend!!!
What?? You can't understand what I am saying? I am speaking plain penguin!!
I have always been the one to say what you don't want to hear, but I think you need to be a little more open when you are trying with relationships, I have always told you that :)
Give it some time to get through all of the issues you are going through, mentally you will end up fine, and stronger than the person you were to begin with! As for the scars, you know as well as I do, the older men get the less some look at those little scars that might be an embarrassment to you, don't allow yourself to be with someone that is so vein that they judge you based on your outside scars, let them hold you and comfort you through all of your fears as you cry it out. You may not have found that "perfect" man for you, but you will, I have faith in that!
I think your ex has been better to you since the divorce than he was during the marriage, but that was just my opinion!
i would very much like to meet you. i dont and have not gone to support groups either. i understand what your going through. the week of the 20th is week end family will be in town , but next time your in town let me no . i will e-mail you my address when you want it.
pic is my son and his daughter and son (my grand baby's )
Seeing that my name was invoked in this blog post, I felt compelled to respond. Let me be perfectly clear. I love WorkingMom. When I proposed to her last July, I knew about her past. It didn't change anything. And given the opportunity again today, I would drop right back down on that knee and put the ring toward her. I have never seen her as not being good enough to be my wife. In some ways, it's been quite the opposite. It seems to be me that has always wondered if I was good enough to be her husband. Despite my appearance, I am a very flawed person. She knows about these flaws. She's the only person I've ever told about them. And she holds them in confidence and accepts me for them.
I love her unconditionally. Yes, she has kept me at arm's length throughout this battle. There are times that I've been hurt. Times that I didn't understand why I kept getting rebuffed when I was trying to do the right thing like I was raised to do. It has been frustrating and I can't proclaim to be very proud about the way I've reacted at times.
Last week, I tried to pull back. I had always heard that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "if you love someone, set them free and if they love you they'll return and if they don't they weren't yours in the first place." So, I didn't call her. Didn't e-mail. I just waited to see if I would hear from her. The response came Friday in a Facebook/MySpace post calling me an asshole and that she felt forgotten. I returned in kind on my Facebook page. I was upset that she didn't take the time to send a one sentence e-mail all week or pick up the phone and say hello. But today, it came to me. She missed hearing from me. And I from her. And maybe we were just too proud to admit it. But I can't speak for her. That's just how I read it.
WorkingMom will never be "damaged goods" in my book. She is a loving mother who gives of herself whenever humanly possible. I've seen her cook dinners for neighbors. Take co-workers children to bowling tournaments. Treat her son's friends just like they were one of her own. Physically, she knows that I don't care if she has big boobs or small ones, one or two. I just want her to be healthy. I love her for who she is inside and not the person she is physically.
I went to look at a house today. It had three bedrooms and a great backyard. It was a well-groomed neighborhood. A real piece of the American dream. I loved it. But I don't know if I could live in such a great place by myself. There would always be something missing and lots of what ifs.
I'll say it again. I love WorkingMom unconditionally. I just fear that it will be one of those unrequited loves where we continue to be two ships passing in the night knowing deeply how we feel each other, but never quite getting to the happy ending. Maybe I've been watching too many chick flicks.
I hope I'm welcome when you're in town next time.
now that made me tear up....quit it you two...LOL
What?? You can't understand what I am saying? I am speaking plain penguin!!
I would like to point out that I have emailed. Check your in box.
Either he thinks he's freakin' God or he thinks I am. Either way, I'm about to get a cheap, perverse thrill out of crushing his entire belief system.
Very Moving posts from everyone...
Thank you for giving that part of yourselves.
Wishing the best for all,
Lay your life before God and "He' will show the path daily
Total_lyTouchedByYourPosts_Mayhem
aka: T_M
It is not length of life, but depth of life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
How a Man plays the game shows something of his character
How he loses shows all of it..
You forwarded me stuff, yes. But I haven't received a personal message from you since May 29. Nothing asking "how was your weekend? How was your day? This day sucks so far., etc." I guess I just needed something beyond the latest mislabeled sign or devotional poem.
The prisoner wishes to say a word.............Freedom!!!!!!!
I to know what WM is feeling and going through. Every 6 months I have to have a mamagram and they saw something they thought on this last one that was a year out. They ended up having me go back in for ultrasound. That had me stressed to the max. It turned out it is scar tissues from 3 surgeries in 1 1/2 months. Now my cancer Doc called on a monday after I was in there in May he did not like the results of my blood work and wants me to go for a mri on my liver. More than likely it is one of my drugs, either the zocor that I have been on for years or my cancer pill. With the stress of waiting on my results of mydx on my boob and the stress of finding a place and moving. I just can not do it right now. In a couple weeks I will call him and tell him to go ahead and set it up.
My cancer was caught early in a stage 1. Like I said I know what WM is going through, as some times cancer is worse on you mentally and physically.
Hang in there WM, we are in this together. You know how to get ahold of me if you need me.