Laughter is Good Medicine - Make me Laugh, earn points [POINTS BATTLE]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They’re  just smarty butts ...

This should boggle your mind. How big is Walmart?



1. Americans
spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every
day.

2. This 
works out to $20,928 profit every
minute!

3. Wal-Mart 
will sell more from January 1 to St.Patrick's Day ( March 17th) than Target
sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart 
is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart
combined.

5. Wal-Mart 
employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer. And most can't
speak English

6. Wal-Mart 
is the largest company in the history of the
World.

7. Wal-Mart 
now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they
did this in only 15 years.

8. During 
this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including
Winn-Dixie).

9. Wal-Mart 
now sells more food than any other store in the
world.

10. Wal-Mart has 
approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000
more than it had 5 years ago.

11 This year 7.2 
billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart
store. (Earth's population is
approximately 6.5 billion.)

12. 90% of all 
Americans live within 15 miles of a
Wal-Mart

Let Wal-Mart run the damn Government.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest.

When he walks into a room everyone says, 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Holiness'."

The lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, so the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She replies, "I have a daughter who's tall, blond and measures 38DD-24-36.

When she walks into a room, people say, 'My God'!"

Baptist Shampoo

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist Church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second good Baptist sister answered, that indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

　

The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem.

　

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.'

　

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

　

'The curlers are on me.'

WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE. THEY MAKE SUCH PERFECT SENSE OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose..

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."