Laughter is Good Medicine - Make me Laugh, earn points [POINTS BATTLE]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that  their ancestors already had telephone network more than 100 years.

One week later and not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, California archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet and found old copper wire. Shortly after, The LA Times reported 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network, one hundred years earlier than New Yorkers.

One week later, The Herald Bulletin, a local newspaper in INDIANA, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Middletown, (Henry; County)  Indiana; Bobby Ray Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.'

Thus, The Herald Bulletin concluded that 300 years ago:
Indiana had already gone wireless. 

This is more for the dawg, but hey if I can get a couple points. What does a hot marriage and a hot bath have in common? Once you get into either you realize  they aint so hot!  

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he
looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear
Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over
in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's
got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and
knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the
pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaws and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in
the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. 'What's the shotgun for?' asks
the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

Applying for a job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. 

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Rubbing Her The Right Way
	A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Today I went to buy a toaster and was given an American bank as a free gift!

 

ROFL!!!!!

My aunt sent me this yesterdy, I love stupid criminals.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCfsCQybek0

Priest's First Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.

When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, Heh, what did he say?

The old man speaks up as he says, HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, Ma'am I see you're from Florida.

The old lady comments, Heh, what did he say?

The old man speaks up as he says, HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.' The old lady nods her head, Yup.

The trooper mutters, Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida.

The old lady replies, Heh, what did he say?

The old man yells, HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!