The Texas Chili Cook-off

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a
 chili cook-off in Texas.
 
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
 first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
 those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
 actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
 takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
 Judge #3 was An inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
 from Springfield, IL.
 
Frank:  'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
 cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
 happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
 directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
 assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
 be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
 during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Following are the scorecard notes from the event:
 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
 Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
 remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
 flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
 Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
 supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
 to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
 they saw the look on my face.
 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

 Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
 Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
 Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
 like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
 me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
 backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&$&-faced from
 all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

 Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
 other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
 to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
 maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
 starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
 an aphrodisiac?
 

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.
 Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
 considerable kick. Very impressive.
 Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
 the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
 can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
 paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
 chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
 pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
 lips off.
 It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
 Screw them.
 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

 Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
 Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
 Superb.
 Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
 sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
 will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
 except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
 with a snow cone.
 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI J

 Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
 chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
 about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
 cursing uncontrollably.
 Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
 wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
 like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
 slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
 shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
 decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
 any oxygen anyway.   If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the

 4-inch hole in my stomach.
 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

 Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy

 enough to declare its existence.
 Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
 hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
 out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
 if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
 really hot chili?
 Judge # 3 - No Report