The Managers Guide to Surviving PLant Shutdowns

So, your company has declared that they are closing, down-sizing, or otherwise negatively impacting the longevity of your livelihood. What are you going to do? Where are you going to go? What is going to happen?

What follows is a somewhat accurate synopsis of the events I myself have been through, both within the current initiative underway and some past events as well. The hope is that you may find this little posting useful, amusing, or in some way diversionary at least.

This event is typically foreshadowed by months, (and sometimes years), of careful nurturing exercised by the gossip-mongers within any given group. Some of these personnel are very artful in the gathering of information; often seeking out relationships with upper echelon personnel. Easily identified by their ability to detect the presence of high level officials; often seemingly by magic appearing alongside them as soon as they enter the building.

They schmooze, joke, and laugh with the brass, all the while jockeying for a lunch or dinner one-on-one with them, in order to catch them in a vulnerable state in order to extricate information from them. So successful in these endeavors are these folks, that often times the grape vine will tell you what is coming down the pipe-line well before even the highest of local officials know themselves. 

So, the local big cheese starts gathering up the work groups and giving them the bad news. The savvy ones know how to relate to the common folk, and can deliver the message of doom and gloom and find themselves patted on the back as they make their exit. Others like to rub in the fact they had to leave their posh vacation accommodations in order to be there, and then deliver the dirty news.

Those are the guys you have to look out for, because their delivery of the message will incite a riot, mob action, or other such negative event of astounding proportions. If there’s a unibomber type amidst the group, then start wearing the Kevlar to work, because they are going to come back packing heat and intent on bringing somebody to salvation. . .

No matter which person the harbinger of death brings to the table, the aftermath is going to require you to obtain a therapists license. If you have garnered any level of respect from your direct reports, they are going to start staging outside your workspace like flights at O’Hare during the holiday season.

Each one of them is going to utilize interrogation techniques that would make the CIA envious, and each one is going to be very different in their approach. Some will be devastated, crying, and on the verge of a breakdown. Others will be zombie-like in appearance, and ask you what they are going to do. Then there are the twitching whack nuts that are about ready to initiate a nuclear launch.

Each of them have their unique approach to the interrogation sessions, and knowing how to talk them down is going to be key to your ability to navigate your way through this human minefield and closer to the lunch bag (your severance package) that your company has promised you in exchange for your commitment to go down with the ship.

Make no mistake; you must endure these interrogation sessions. Failure to do so could result in targeting of your person by the unibomber types, and any potential mob action initiated by them. But, you had better not count on that lunch bag containing anything more than a bologna sandwich; not the steak sandwich with all the trimmings they promised.

Make plans to undertake job search initiatives immediately upon confirmation of the death of your company, department, etc.  Don’t count on that lizard lipped corporate pencil pusher type delivering upon a promise to “take care of you”, and certainly do not buy into the “we’ll find you a spot” diversionary tactic utilized to gain your trust and abuse it. Do for yourself, because no one else is going to. It is a jungle and the game is played by jungle rules. Use them.

By day two the realization that the cloak of doom is upon them is going to pimp slap a major portion of the population in your little shop of elves, and once that seed germinates  control of the germination is of the utmost importance.

Take special note of groups of hens/roosters clucking away, and be sure to watch closely for facial expressions, arms flailing about, and other such key indicators that an emotional eruption is impending.  If you have already been subjected to the targeting, then right now is a good time to remind yourself of what a good idea it was to wear that Kevlar suit. If you forgot it, then get sick. Do it now, and eject, eject, eject!

If your company doesn’t already supply them, hopefully you were smart enough to lay in a generous supply of Kleenex tissues. You are going to need them as every single person you know invades your workspace leaking saline from every orifice capable of producing it. This is sometimes accompanied by snot eruptions of astounding proportions, so hand sanitizer should also be present; at least for your own personal use in avoiding the side effects of being covered in snot repetitively throughout the day.

Make sure to contact facilities and have them deliver a “wet floor” sign or two to your workspace as well. No matter how much you prepare, the pressure build up of some of these snot eruptions approaches volcanic proportions and will result in spraying and wet floors. A fact the unibomber types are counting on in order to create a potential workman’s comp claim and possible disability case.

Day 3 marks the arrival of the corporate vultures. The people large and in charge of operations outside of your location are typically accompanying them. They want to eye your equipment and customers like Aqualung eyes little girls on the local playground.

Why these companies don’t wait for the initial shock and awe of the news to die down a bit before they arrive is beyond me. I mean come on, typically you get at least 90 days notification of an impending downsize or closing, so is it really that important for the vultures to show up so early in the process? Corporate has a complete listing of the equipment housed within the facility so why not mass e-mail that listing out to the vultures and let them drool over it a week or so before deployment?

Read through days one and two because their arrival is going to reinitiate these events. . .

This day is clearly marked by the arrival of two people, the corporate HR person closely flanked by the boot licking local HR Rep. See them for what they are; the hyenas of the corporate jungle.

They are here to deliver the severance package news and get select individuals to sign off on agreements constructed to entice them to endure the pain and suffering of the repetitive and cyclic nature of the death of your workshop. (Repeat days one through four until you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day).

They’ll also engage in some selective gossiping themselves, laughing around the water cooler, and conducting random acts of lechery amongst the eye candy within the facility.  They are there to steal your kill so keep an eye on them! Failure to do so will result in a spam sandwich instead of bologna!

Note: Although at a decreased level, days one through three will also repeat throughout the day, so be vigilant. (Hopefully you’ve realized you need more than one Kevlar suit by now. If you haven’t you may become somewhat gamey at this point, due to excessive perspiration driven by the high stress situations you find yourself in each second of each workday, so get a couple more).

By now all the unibomber and conspiracy theory types in your workplace have had time to huddle up and formulate a mutiny of sorts; designed to stall production and delay the delivery of the padlock to the doors to your kingdom.

The best of them use a diversionary tactic designed to place the cause for the remarkable increase in down time to the gremlins, but don’t be fooled! These purveyors of chaos are experts in their fields and know the inner workings of each process like you know the keys on your keyboard. They can elicit random acts of controlled explosion from the inner workings of your equipment faster than McGuiver can whittle a key out of a tree limb, so make sure everyone has their recording devices engaged, locked and loaded.  (The hyenas deliver the recording devices to you specifically for this task. In some of the higher class packs of Hyenas, they actually have the cameras mounted and do not have to engage us in this activity. So act accordingly).

Physical altercations will also break out, so hopefully you’ve worn your zebra suit and have a yellow hankie in each pocket. Personal fouls abound and you may even be forced to eject a few of the rascals, with some help from the local law enforcement professionals. (Wear your pads!)

This day is marked by the announcement made by the local ruling official that all tool-boxes, parts cribs, cabinets, and other areas of storage are to be locked down at all times, with only managerial individuals possessing the keys to these areas or items. Everyone needing something must go through them.

You may also notice the unannounced appearance of burly members of your local law enforcement agency hanging about the entrances, frisking everyone on their way in and out ; paying special attention to the eye candy.

He/she (local ruling official) is typically accompanied by the local miserly bean counter, who sits by their side grinning like an opossum eating excrement. These bean counters usually have the corporate title of “controller”, and these events feed their already over-sized ego a healthy dose of steroids.

Expect micromanagement of the activity by this tightwad, and an overwhelming blitz of paperwork required for each transaction.  You will be held accountable for every undocumented transaction, and he/she will know when something is missing. (All those clerks in the accounting department are staying late to inventory everything every day, so take note).

At this point the “controller” takes his/her title literally, and will exercise control over every single aspect of the operation that they can. Expect it, sharpen your pencils or lay in a supply of good pens, and get ready to write like a freshman with a 300 page paper due tomorrow!

This day’s arrival is typically marked by the realization of upper management that refocusing of the remaining work force is required; and the delivery of an enticement designed to obtain it. Performance bonus!

Usually the bar is set pretty high and connected to safety, production, and quality. Fail in any one of these and you get nothing.  This will result in altercations and an occasional relapse to days one through three so be prepared.  They are counting on the altercations to result in the firings of tenured personnel, so be ready to eject folks with extreme prejudice.

And just so you have realistic expectations here, the bonus is for the hourly folks and not for you! You are a professional and expected to take one for the dying team.

Marked by the overwhelming drive many of the highly tenured employees have to sell back to the company their ten weeks of vacation time earned last year. They want money and as much of it as they can grab.

This will drive a high level of frustration for the local payroll folks, so be prepared to get an earful an hour as they call your desk ranting about having 3,000 hours of vacation time they have to enter manually into the system each week, until they’ve all burned as much as they can of their time.

The local HR Rep is also going to begin his journey into Hades this day, as the tenured clan begins staging outside his/her doorway to have him/her guide them through the early retirement scenario and what they have to do to navigate the labyrinth to canned eating.

This will result in hours long conversations during which you will have to backfill their positions lest productivity suffer and eligibility for the bonus be eliminated; resulting in physical danger to yourself and possible collection of death benefits to your spouse. (Weigh this option carefully).

If you are unfortunate and have built a nice rapport with the local HR Rep, he/she will utilize your work space as a haven from the onslaught of human misery; subjecting you to endless hours of HR Feel Good methodology and theory. He/she may even bring along a book or text with which to refer you to examples of these things. If you’re really lucky they may even ask you to read the book so you can both flesh out the contents like an intern working on a cadaver in medical school.  Big fun!

Days Nine through 14: (See above)

After two weeks of a relentless, seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day production frenzy, the executioner arrives with the first hit list. And he hands it to you!

YOU are required to fetch each person, one-by-one, and along with the union representation deliver the kill shot to each person on the listing. (Got Valium?) Kevlar, (double layers), Kleenex, and hand sanitizer are must haves for this activity. If you have a trusted friend that runs 6’3” and 260 pounds, pay him from your own pocket to hang out outside the room. (Money well spent, unless utilizing the death benefit option for your spouse). You may need him to help get some of the whack nuts off your back and out the door.

This activity is typically initiated on the back end of the shift hours, but if it is a long listing it will require that you start well before the shift end and that will result in a rather dreadful little scenario I like to call a bad case of the WTF’s!

WTF’s are always present once the news of the first bloodletting has reached the herd. They get nervous, twitchy, start mooing constantly, and a stampede could break out at any given moment. Once you know you are going to begin it is important for every single management person to ride herd, watch for stragglers, and be prepared to rope a dope when one of them gives in to the flight instinct.

There’s nothing like the scent of blood to get the herd uneasy and wound real tight, so make sure everyone gets as much rest as possible prior to this day. Hit yourself over the head with a hammer if you must, but get at least 8 hours of sleep. The emotional rollercoaster you are about to ride is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced I assure you.

If you are fortunate enough to not be the individual required to deliver the kill shot, buy a lottery ticket! But, be prepared for anything as you ride herd while the bloodletting is ongoing. Watch the eyes of the herd as they go about their business. If you start seeing someone with eyes switching back and forth, or rolling back into their forehead, assume the three point stance because you are going to have to block them when they make a break for the nearest exit.

Another key indicator is restless leg syndrome. They shift back and forth on one leg to another, and their head turns almost spasmodically and for no reason. For this one you are going to have to execute a flawless open field tackle, so make sure you’ve got your elbow guards in place. Road rash hurts but not as much as a kicking and spasmodic individual, so hold tight!

This day follows closely behind first blood, and is a direct result of first blood. They’re jumpy, twitchy, and mad as hell. They are suffering from a severe case of separation anxiety so you are going to have to exercise extreme caution when walking through them.

It will no longer matter that they could not stand the very space Emmy Lou occupied, or that they had filed 365 grievances directly related to her; she’s gone and now they miss her as much as they miss their old dog Fido, who died of Parvo 30 years ago.  They are going to boo-hoo it up all day long and all night, so gather up the absorbent towels and “pigs” cause there’s going to be an excess of saline in the place, and several large and vast snot slicks.

When you are not busy riding herd you are going to once again be called upon to assume the roles of therapist, confessor, and soul mate; over and over again until you are ready to slap the remaining snot right out of every last one of these little doggies!

Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em, cause it may be awhile before you can enjoy one again.

Days 17 through 29: (See one through three – repeat endlessly)

The arrival of the trucks and rigging crews dispatched to disassemble, load, and take away the first pieces of equipment is best described using the apocalyptic scriptures of the Xtians, for it is for all intents and purposes the very embodiment of this book to the overwhelmingly Xtian population your work crew has suddenly become.

Folks will begin speaking in tongues, and may actually exhibit signs of demonic possession as the first riggers swagger across the work place floor, wrenches jingling and steam emitting from their nostrils like nicotine laced smoke. A wise manager knows the value of placing buckets strategically all around the workspace prior to their arrival, in order to efficiently collect the volumes of drool that will emit from the mouths of the suddenly terrified workers that remain.  (Not to mention contain the results of the severe case of drizzles a major portion of the populace is going to experience).

Riding herd is the order of the day, because suddenly some of these workers may become insurgents; seeking a means with which to attack the riggers as they go about their work. IED’s may be used (Improvised Excrement Devices) so be sure to make a rain suit your outer layer of clothing while the four horsemen are around. 

It’s also a good idea to position yourself near a working stand-pipe; since you may be required to hose yourself, and the occasional rigger, off once in awhile when an insurgent gets through.