I Am an Alcoholic

By Anonymous

Yes, that is right. I am a recovering alcoholic. My story is not any more special than any others and not different than most. But I am going to tell it to you anyway - all of it.

My name is not important here, but some of you may read this and know who I am. As it says in AA "anonymity at the level of press radio and film."

I started out life as a sickly little boy right here in Anderson. I was and still am smaller than most of the other males my age.

My parents were both hard workers and did all that they could to give us kids a good home and upbringing. However my father was physically and mentally abusive. I don't blame him for my drinking. This is just all part of how I became who I am.

I remember some of the beatings I got when I was a boy. Sometimes it hurt so bad I could not catch a breath of air. All of us kids grew up learning a trade in our father's business. He did teach a great deal. He could not help how he was. He grew up horribly and that is what he knew.

In school, I was constantly picked on and made fun of for my size. I hated school. It was boring anyway. As I got older and the school bullies got even bigger, I learned that I may as well fight because I was going to get it anyway.

I became pretty good with my hands and I was very fast, so once I learned to fight they started to leave me alone. I was also the class clown, but when a teacher would ask a question, I knew the answer. I managed to struggle through most of high school until I was 16. My father and I got into a argument then a fight. He hit me in the eye and blacked it. It also knocked me back a step.

I finally had enough of that and my skinny little 105 pounds flew forward 2 steps and decked him with one punch. I caught him in the nose and mouth. I split both his lips, broke his nose, loosened all of his real teeth, and broke his dentures.

He would not get up to take another one and later told my mother "I don't know where that little son of a bitch got it from but he hit me harder than any man has ever hit me."

Dad never really tried me after that, but I took that opportunity to move out and live with some friends. I tried to finish high school, but I could not work and support myself, so I dropped out. I was also smoking cigarettes and pot with all of my buddy's. I even tried to drink some but did not care for the taste much.

The next year I had a better job and tried to finish school and work. I could have, but I had to have surgery twice, and I missed a month in the first six weeks. When they called me down to the office they told me I could drop out or be kicked out and that it would be better if i just quit. So out I went again.

I floated around and smoked some more dope until I was almost 19. It was really tripping me up, and I lost a great girl over it. So I decided that I would stop for a couple of weeks and try to straighten up my life. Boy did I feel better so i thought that a  couple more weeks would not hurt and I felt even better.

I thought WOW 4 weeks without marijuana and I feel really good, I decided a couple more weeks would be even better. I never looked back and still have not tried it again. But I was starting to learn the joys of beer with different friends.

I was not a alcoholic yet, but I was sure getting a good start. I joined the service and got hurt. I was new enough and did not have much time (less than 180 days) so when I refused their surgery, I was sent home and discharged. I met my first wife while I was in the hospital.

Boy, was she cute. And she even came back to visit me. We started dating. After I recovered, I went and took my GED test and easily passed. I then enrolled in a trade school in Indy.

I was arrested for a B felony while I was at home on a Friday night. I was innocent. My drinking was becoming heavier. I graduated third in my class. After almost 2 years of investigating the police and  prosecutor finally dropped the charges when they realized finally that I was not involved. They did also finally solve it, but it had really screwed me up.

The girl I met married me and we were mostly good together, but I was starting to get abusive and drinking even worse. Then one night, I was drinking with a really close friend at my house. He became too drunk to drive so we took him home.

The next night I had to work late, so I was not home when my friend stopped by but this time he was already way too drunk to drive. He was killed instantly when he drove in front of a freight train just a few blocks from his home.

This really tore me up. I was probably at this point on a full blown alcoholic. I went through many jobs and was not happy no matter what. My wife was suffering. She was paying a lot of the bills and standing by me (probably hoping that I would get through this and get back to being the guy she fell in love with.) Boy did I fool her. After two years of marriage, though, we had a little boy.

He was such a cute little boy, but later we learned that he was slow mentally. My drinking was still getting worse. I felt like I was losing her and I tried to quit drinking but I just could not stop. This was getting harder to deal with and so was I.

We separated. We still dated and she became pregnant, but we did not know it. She had already filed for divorce even though I don't think that she had given up hope, a week after it was final we found out she was pregnant again.

My daughter was born almost two years to the day after my son. She was bald but adorable. It took her a long time to grow enough hair to put up like a Kewpie doll so people would know she was a girl. She was smart as a whip.

Shortly after she was born, my wife pretty much gave up on the bastard that I had become. I was good to the kids but that was about it. I was not much of a father at that time but I did love my children.

I hooked up  with many women for a time, but none of them could tolerate what I had become. Then I met a real glutton for punishment. She had kids also and I tried to be good for them all, but I know as much as I was drinking, it was not good for anyone.

I do not know how she put up with me for so long, but she watched me try and fail many times to quit drinking over the next three years. One time I managed to white knuckle it without a drink for almost six months.

I was just one day short. So she threw me out and I quit yet again. It did not last long, but she worked second shift so when I got home from work at a little after five I had until about eleven-thirty to get all of my drinking done and everything put up and hidden before she got home.

I was drinking at least two cases of beer a night by this time and I had to jump in bed and act asleep when she got home. But I was very miserable, I really did not want to hide it and I knew that I could not quit nor did I want to  lose her.

One really bad night when the kids were in bed and I was particularly drunk, I sat alone at the kitchen table and decided I was done with it all. So I picked up my loaded .357 magnum and put it to my head and pulled back the hammer. This was going to be the end.

Then all at once it hit me that I was alone with the kids and this would wake them up. I quickly realized what they would see when they came in and I put the gun down and started crying.

I was done.

I was praying to the very GOD that I had turned my back on years before. When my girlfriend came home, I told her everything. At first she was also done, but she still was listening and she realized too that I was really sincere.

So she had me call a friend of hers who is a recovering alcoholic. I had a bit of hope but was I scared. I managed to stay completely sober the next day and I attended my first AA meeting.

These people were nuts ( I thought at the time) here I wanted to learn how not to drink and these people were sitting around talking and laughing and actually enjoying themselves. I thought this was supposed to be serious, and all they kept talking about was their day to day problems and how they dealt with them.

They were so glad that I was there and most of them made it a point to welcome me and ask me to keep coming back that I decided that I would. It was very difficult to stay sober but NOW I had real friends to help me.

As time went on, I learned that it was the day to day problems and emotions that I had lost touch with. I had forgotten how to deal with them in my drunken stupor. I kept going and learned finally that I drank because I wanted to and that if I drank again it would be because I wanted to.

So here I am, happy and happy to say that I have not had a drink in over fourteen years. I still know that I could easily become that practicing alcoholic and all it would take is one drink.

I hope this can help someone and that it has been worth your time to read it.