By "Mayor Buckwheat"
[editor's note, by kpaul] This is an excerpt (reprinted with permission) of a newsletter by "Mayor Buck Wheat" (a member of the Herald Bulletin forums) concerning Anderson, Indiana (aka Andersonia) Archives are available at the blog. The views expressed in the newsletter do not necessarily reflect the views of Anderson Free Press.
Centaur to build Andersonia Convention Center/Casino
Last Tuesday, Centaur Racing CEO Jeff Smith and Hoosier Park President Rick Moore announced the addition of a 90,000 square-foot casino facility to Hoosier Park. "We figured Andersonia needed just one more vice;" said Moore. "we couldn't legally build a meth lab so we figured this was the next best thing!"
Acting Mayor Kevin Smith was so happy he could spit, and did so multiple times during the announcement into a Styrofoam cup with a paper towel in the bottom. "Heck, I figured we'd let Centaur build this and we'll just take it over when they build the really big place south of the airport. Ahem...proposed airport. It really is a win/win/win."
Rescue Efforts Continue
City of Andersonia workers were still working feverishly Monday night to free Andersonia Economic Development Consultant Greg Winkler from an apparent accident at the Andersonia Money Mines. "There was some sort of a shift down there and everything just kinda collapsed," said Fire Chief Phil Rogers.
Witnesses on site stated Winkler had worked in the "money pit" for some time, though none really seemed to know what his job there was. Tony Yogway, one of the many workers attempting to free Winkler, stated, "I seen Wink working long hours down here, usually leaving the mine with barrels of money." When contacted for a comment Acting Mayor Kevin Smith said, "We've been digging for some time, and I think this makes it clear how important Winkler is to our organization thingie. Even if I'm not really sure what he does for, or with that money, I'm sure its a win/win." Phone calls to Democrat members of the Andersonia City Council were not returned.
Smith Eyes A Moon Shot
When Acting Mayor Kevin Smith isn't pondering the annexation of lesser Madison County, you just might catch him daydreaming about his employment future. Sources close to the Acting Mayor are speculating that he is considering a stellar new career at NASA as an astronaut in training and planet annexing guy.
Smith said, "That moon place is known to be made of cheese and I like cheese and Mo Long tells me that at even 10 cents a pound (which if you go to Kroger is a low estimate) there is enough profit there to fund astronomer consultants to lay claims to planets so distant that scientist consultants don't know if they're made of cheese or possibly even more valuable stuff. Yeah, I wanna be that guy."
RATS to Invade Wal-Mart
On Friday, Acting Mayor Kevin Smith hinted at a "major announcement about public transportation that will benefit Andersonia". Late Monday evening he unveiled those plans in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
The new Rail of Andersonia Transit System, or RATS, will service the Wal-Mart parking lot with a high speed monorail. "We noticed people had a real problem navigating Andersonia's largest parking lot. So Wink was able to sell me on this monorail thingie". RATS will service the parking lot and price drop zones. Riders who proceed through the checkout will receive change on transactions in the form of gaming tokens to be used at the new Andersonia Convention Center/Casino. Smith reiterated his pleasure at the city's new focus on all things touristy, "I just love showing them fellers at the Convention Bureau what a little outside the box thinking can do for a community. The wins just keep on coming!"
Maplewood Cemetery To Stay
According to Acting Mayor Smith, "Essential to a vibrant community's life are its places of eternal rest." Smith made this profound statement at the groundbreaking of Maplewood's new administrative building.
Smith continued, "when the owners of the cemetery announced that they were considering moving their graveyard to a neighboring state, my economic development team rolled up their sleeves and went to work to devise a plan to keep the cemetery here. I put together a kickin' incentive program with an innovative 'shovel ready' designation and one of those TIF thingies. This incentive package simply cremated our competitors. It's all a part of my new business retention plan that BW told me about. This is one business that won't be leaving Andersonia any time soon!"
Natural Resource Grab
Inspired by the recent Russian claim of the Arctic sea floor, Acting Mayor Kevin Smith has built a submersible capable of diving "several feet". Backed by Chinese technology that he picked up last year for the price of a Wonka Bar and a can of chew, Smith built his submarine at a secret "sub pen" on White River.
In the most agressive economic development maneuver of his administration, Smith plans to stake claim on the floor of Pendletonia's Pine Lakes Camp Grounds. "There's a real wealth of catfish in them lakes",said Smith, "When the dead catfish are done decompositioning there will be vast resources of oil or something. My administration intends to Continue the Progress even to the depths of Pine Lake! This could be our biggest win/win ever!"
Letters to Buckwheat
BW, My car broke down. Can you drive me to Keg and Bottle and Hoosier Girls? K.S. Andersonia
Buckwheat, Do you still have my beer bong? We're thinking of having another shin-dig and I'll be needing it. K.O. Andersonia.
The views expressed in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect those of the Smith Administration... but are pretty damn close. Please feel free to forward this letter to anyone that may be interested. I can be reached at Waynelafear@yahoo.com. Mr. Lafear will make certain that I get your message. Any and all mail directed my way will be held in the strictest confidence. Until next week.......BW OVER AND OUT!
Technorati Tags: 
Post new comment