Scraps from my Table

Scraps from my Table: Smith Eyes A Moon Shot

kpaul.mallasch — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 15:06:43 -0700

By "Mayor Buckwheat"

[editor's note, by kpaul] This is an excerpt (reprinted with permission) of a newsletter by "Mayor Buck Wheat" (a member of the Herald Bulletin forums) concerning Anderson, Indiana (aka Andersonia) Archives are available at the blog. The views expressed in the newsletter do not necessarily reflect the views of Anderson Free Press.

Centaur to build Andersonia Convention Center/Casino

Last Tuesday, Centaur Racing CEO Jeff Smith and Hoosier Park President Rick Moore announced the addition of a 90,000 square-foot casino facility to Hoosier Park. "We figured Andersonia needed just one more vice;" said Moore. "we couldn't legally build a meth lab so we figured this was the next best thing!"

Acting Mayor Kevin Smith was so happy he could spit, and did so multiple times during the announcement into a Styrofoam cup with a paper towel in the bottom. "Heck, I figured we'd let Centaur build this and we'll just take it over when they build the really big place south of the airport. Ahem...proposed airport. It really is a win/win/win."

Rescue Efforts Continue

City of Andersonia workers were still working feverishly Monday night to free Andersonia Economic Development Consultant Greg Winkler from an apparent accident at the Andersonia Money Mines. "There was some sort of a shift down there and everything just kinda collapsed," said Fire Chief Phil Rogers.

Witnesses on site stated Winkler had worked in the "money pit" for some time, though none really seemed to know what his job there was. Tony Yogway, one of the many workers attempting to free Winkler, stated, "I seen Wink working long hours down here, usually leaving the mine with barrels of money." When contacted for a comment Acting Mayor Kevin Smith said, "We've been digging for some time, and I think this makes it clear how important Winkler is to our organization thingie. Even if I'm not really sure what he does for, or with that money, I'm sure its a win/win." Phone calls to Democrat members of the Andersonia City Council were not returned.

Smith Eyes A Moon Shot

When Acting Mayor Kevin Smith isn't pondering the annexation of lesser Madison County, you just might catch him daydreaming about his employment future. Sources close to the Acting Mayor are speculating that he is considering a stellar new career at NASA as an astronaut in training and planet annexing guy.

Smith said, "That moon place is known to be made of cheese and I like cheese and Mo Long tells me that at even 10 cents a pound (which if you go to Kroger is a low estimate) there is enough profit there to fund astronomer consultants to lay claims to planets so distant that scientist consultants don't know if they're made of cheese or possibly even more valuable stuff. Yeah, I wanna be that guy."

RATS to Invade Wal-Mart

On Friday, Acting Mayor Kevin Smith hinted at a "major announcement about public transportation that will benefit Andersonia". Late Monday evening he unveiled those plans in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

The new Rail of Andersonia Transit System, or RATS, will service the Wal-Mart parking lot with a high speed monorail. "We noticed people had a real problem navigating Andersonia's largest parking lot. So Wink was able to sell me on this monorail thingie". RATS will service the parking lot and price drop zones. Riders who proceed through the checkout will receive change on transactions in the form of gaming tokens to be used at the new Andersonia Convention Center/Casino. Smith reiterated his pleasure at the city's new focus on all things touristy, "I just love showing them fellers at the Convention Bureau what a little outside the box thinking can do for a community. The wins just keep on coming!"

Maplewood Cemetery To Stay

According to Acting Mayor Smith, "Essential to a vibrant community's life are its places of eternal rest." Smith made this profound statement at the groundbreaking of Maplewood's new administrative building.

Smith continued, "when the owners of the cemetery announced that they were considering moving their graveyard to a neighboring state, my economic development team rolled up their sleeves and went to work to devise a plan to keep the cemetery here. I put together a kickin' incentive program with an innovative 'shovel ready' designation and one of those TIF thingies. This incentive package simply cremated our competitors. It's all a part of my new business retention plan that BW told me about. This is one business that won't be leaving Andersonia any time soon!"

Natural Resource Grab

Inspired by the recent Russian claim of the Arctic sea floor, Acting Mayor Kevin Smith has built a submersible capable of diving "several feet". Backed by Chinese technology that he picked up last year for the price of a Wonka Bar and a can of chew, Smith built his submarine at a secret "sub pen" on White River.

In the most agressive economic development maneuver of his administration, Smith plans to stake claim on the floor of Pendletonia's Pine Lakes Camp Grounds. "There's a real wealth of catfish in them lakes",said Smith, "When the dead catfish are done decompositioning there will be vast resources of oil or something. My administration intends to Continue the Progress even to the depths of Pine Lake! This could be our biggest win/win ever!"

Letters to Buckwheat

BW, My car broke down. Can you drive me to Keg and Bottle and Hoosier Girls? K.S. Andersonia

Buckwheat, Do you still have my beer bong? We're thinking of having another shin-dig and I'll be needing it. K.O. Andersonia.

The views expressed in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect those of the Smith Administration... but are pretty damn close. Please feel free to forward this letter to anyone that may be interested. I can be reached at Waynelafear@yahoo.com. Mr. Lafear will make certain that I get your message. Any and all mail directed my way will be held in the strictest confidence. Until next week.......BW OVER AND OUT!

Scraps from my Table: Kelvin Fuller, Making Anderson Proud

kpaul.mallasch — Wed, 8 Aug 2007 17:43:30 -0700

By "Mayor Buckwheat"

Hometown Proud!

Mayor Kevin Smith welcomed home now famous Andersonian Kelvin Fuller after his 16 year sabbatical in Westville, Indiana. Fuller admitted to leaving Westville for "medical reasons" and this is likely why he was seen entering the front doors of St. John's Hospital in Andersonia on Wednesday night. It is still unclear why he stole a two-way radio while he was there.

Acting Mayor Smith explained, "Fuller knew that the finest medical care available is right here in Andersonia." To add to the hometown excitement over Fuller's return, the fugitive was featured on "America's Most Wanted" Saturday night. A reception in his honor was held at Sonny Ray's. The Acting Mayor, in attendance, presented Fuller with a key to the city and offered him a job as Chief Arson Investigator for all of Andersonia.

Winkler Beaten to Punch

Andersonia economic development guru Greg Winkler was visibly shaken when news of the Minnesota bridge collapse reached him. "I had all the explosive charges in place and was ready to drop the Eisenhower Bridge on East 8th street. This is just the sort of event that Anderson could use to get some great national TV coverage. All I was waiting on was Artist's concept of 8Th st. bridge
rush hour traffic to return to the
downtown like it was in about 1974.

Acting Mayor Smith expressed relief that his two way street initiative have not yet been put into effect, causing just such a rush hour scenario for Winkler to act upon. Smith said, "These one way street thingies have slowed down investment in the downtown area just enough to avoid a real calamity. I might just have to rethink my position on them"

Hoosier Girls Hospitality

When the IBO began looking at Andersonia as a potential site for this year's world tournament, one of their areas of concern was the ability to entertain the participants after the day's events were over. The Acting Mayor made sure all the bases were covered by arranging a dose of Hoosier Hospitality for the boys.

Nothing says "Howdy" like a warm smile and a couple of Crown belly shots.

Child Restraint Law Troubles Acting Mayor

Acting Mayor Smith was reportedly ticketed by an Andersonia Police Department Officer when he failed to comply with the recently passed child restraint law. The arresting officer, who asked not to be named, said, "I think this may be the first case in the state where a driver was ticketed for not using a booster seat. I made what I thought was a routine traffic stop when I saw the driver was having difficulty seeing over the steering wheel. It was quite a shock when I walked up and saw that it was the Acting Mayor". The Acting Mayor had no comment.

Where's Winkler?

What do you do when you make more than $2500 a week and you're not jetsetting your way through Japan or chummin' them other little fellers in China? You go to the fair! Help me find Winkie before he blows through his entire expense account. Did I mention that he's not allowed to go to Japan next month with that Asian chick over in economic development because of "political considerations"?

Henderson Addresses High School Reunion

Pendleton Town Council President Don Henderson recently attended his 117th high school reunion. While there Don reunited with old friends before giving the keynote address. "I've come a long way since I wore that 'Just Say No to the McKinley Tariff Act' hat every day", Henderson laughed. He then caught the class up to date on his life and projects and denied any secret deals with Andersonia concerning expanding the borders of Andersonia 2.0 and it's airport. "As long as my implanted defibrillator keeps me ticking, I won't make any under the table deals with Acting Mayor Smith", adding, "If that little feller wants to play hardball, I'll play hardball."

Letters to Buckwheat

BW, I think it's time for us to bury the hatchet. Please meet me at dawn in front of City Hall. Hatchets at 20 paces? K.S. Andersonia

Buckwheat, I don't know who you are and I don't think I really care anymore. I heard that t-shirts will be available in the near future. Put me down for a X large and go ahead and get a small for the Acting Mayor! A.G. Andersonia.

Scraps From My Table can now be viewed at the Muncie Free Press as well as the new Anderson Free Press. Many thanks to Publisher K. Paul Mallasch

The views expressed in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect those of the Smith
Administration....but are pretty damn close. Please feel free to forward this letter to anyone that may be interested. I can be reached at Waynelafear@yahoo.com. Mr. Lafear will make certain that I get your message. Any and all mail directed my way will be held in the strictest confidence. Until next week.......BW OVER AND OUT!